thanks everyone. i think i worded it slightly wrong, i'm definitely not narcissistic to think i'm the 'Holier than Thou' King Who Drinks Most. i just wanted to hear someone say they were just as bad off in the beer category as me. i can't explain it.
my next question all along was going to be to those who did relate and kicked their 24+ beer addiction, about going through PAWS.
i quit twice. 34 days, 37 days. both times, 30 days of getting truly physically sober was doable and successful. both times i relapsed within the first week of sober. it's the living sober thing. i've learned it was PAWS. it's honestly why i've put off quitting again (til now, hence why i'm here again). it scared me... 30 days was long and miserable, i was blown away how this recovery gets HARDER after that. it's not just physical, anyone can suck it up and get through that. the PAWS was the most profound thing my mind has ever gone through, as seen when i relapsed 4 days and 7 days into it. after 30 days of hardcore determination, i completely caved within a few more days. why did the determination vanish?
i truly don't know how to prepare myself anymore, to keep focus on those 40, 50, 60 days, then 90 days where i hear it finally eases up. i was SO determined, til PAWS came. i swear i'm a sane person, but PAWS took me on a trip. i can't explain it. mind was all over the place, all i can say.
how do you escape it? when AA and outpatient aren't available at that inescapable moment? ugh.. i dread it. but i'll do it. i have to. again.