I always wished I could drink like other people. But I never could. I thought it was the third drink that got me into trouble. If I only had two, then I’d be fine. Thing is, once I put that first drink to my lips, I could no longer accurately predict what would happen next. I might go home, but I might not.
You’d think if I made it home, then my drinking was a success. Wrong. If I made it home after two drinks, there was an insatiable need raging within me and I was gonna take it out on vodka.
That was on a good night.
Then there were the bad ones.
Looking back, it was never intentional. I didn’t leave the house with the intention to get drunk faced. Seriously, I was only going out for a few.
It really didn’t matter where I went to. It wasn’t the company I was after. It was my friend alcohol who I was after. We were best of buds. The drinks would flow. It was all soooo grand. Everything was shinier. To tell the truth, I liked you better, with a couple of drinks in me. I don’t recall how many drinks it took me to completely forget my problems. Maybe it was a combination of too many drinks and the atmosphere when my mind started to relax.
I can’t put my finger on the precise moment, but at some point in the evening I’d go from, I better get home, to screw it.
Screw it is never a good place to be, when you’re an alcoholic. It gives you permission to do things you would never do, when sober.
The night would fly. No thought of tomorrow. Tomorrow didn’t exist.
There was this magic window of time when everything was perfect. It was like the ultimate buzz. Tomorrow’s regrets hadn’t kicked in, the party was still on, we were all having fun, and then… it was over.
I’ll never forget the shame I felt the next day. Demoralizing, incomprehensible, and agonizing, comes to mind.
When you’re down, there’s only one way to go. Up.
If you’re thinking I haven't hit my bottom, I still have my job. I haven’t lost my family or love ones just add ‘yet.’ Because you will, you’ll do things that blow your mind.
In early recovery you learn, your mind is like a dangerous neighbourhood. Never go there alone. The most difficult thing any addict or alcoholic will ever do is coming to the realization that their best thinking is killing them. By the time you realize this, your life is a serious mess.
I’ve heard it said one is to many and a thousand not enough. I guess it’s like being a pregnant. (I'm a man by the way LOL) You’re either sober, or you’re not. Personally, I’m not going to test the waters. I’ve seen others do it, and it never ends well.
We all have another relapse in us. I was lucky I didn’t die. If I picked up again, I don’t think I’d make it back.
The thought of getting sh*t-faced drunk, falling down, overspending and breaking hearts, just doesn’t hold the same appeal it once did.
Just for today, I think I’ll pass.
I hope you join me.
TB