Hello Blankspace, welcome. I find SR a safe and supportive community. I hear your pain. All I can do is share with you my little piece of experience. I thought I was high functioning, was encouraged to drink in moderation and feared for what I had done after a blackout. The only final solution under the most extreme, the most final and severe of circumstances was never to drink again. I have no control with alcohol. I would suggest going to an AA or a SMART meeting and perhaps talking to your doctor or a therapist about options. It is good you have an awareness of your situation. The thing to do now is to use that knowledge for a positive outcome. Keep posting and again you are welcome. Prayers to you, PJ.