Blankspace87

Hi, I'm new here. I've deliberated about posting somewhere like this for a while but been in denial, I guess.

I'm increasingly scared by the way my life, relationships, work, finances, and mood are being defined by alcohol.

I don't drink every day, but most days. In fact now, in the run up to a Christmas, it may be every day.

I work in a profession where alcohol (long lunches, after work drinks etc) is common place. I act like a confident person but socially I feel like I increasingly need alcohol to enjoy social interactions. Otherwise I feel awkward and out of place. The vast majority of my social life centres around alcohol.

Some days I don't 'want' to drink but then I'll have lunch with friends or co workers and not be able to stop. Then drinking may continue into the evening with a different set of friends. I'll often show up drunk already but try and hide it.

I am sick of waking up, feeling dreadful, embarrassed about what I may have done or said. I have started to have mental black outs where I can't remember things. At the moment I'm 'high functioning' but I feel like soon I may not be.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I don't want alcohol to run my life and I feel like it is doing so. But without it I don't understand how I can maintain friendships. I wish I could drink in moderation, but I seem to have no self restraint. I act light hearted about it, but I'm worried about the harm I am doing to myself.

Sorry that this post hasn't been the most coherent. I am so plagued by self doubt I will no doubt resent posting it the moment I press submit. I'm not sure what response I'm expecting, but I just don't want to feel alone and had to put my feelings in writing.