Hi, I just wanted to chime in that I too could have written the same description of "discussions" with my STBXAH. Those conversations are so wearying; they're masters at putting all the blame on us.
You've made one big step; he's out of the house. That's great.
Get the vision in your head for what you want, which sounds like a peaceful home for your lovely children and yourself, and then continuing moving toward it. You can do it.