Kw....I think it would help you enormously to stop trying to "figure him out"....
You will never be able to.....
The only thing that matters is the bottom line....his actions---how he treats you.
I realize that people become obsessed with trying to "figure out" the mind of the other person...because, it feels like, if we can figure them out, we can fix it!
I did the same thing, one time......
We cannot change another person....we can only control ourselves.
He is, obviously a deeply troubled person and, he is not willing to do whatever it takes to do the changing. He is oblivious to the pain that you and the family suffer....
You will have to trust that you will learn how to put yourself and your kids first, establish healthy boundaries, develop your own sense of self, etc., through ongoing therapy and group work.....
As well as ongoing study.....(knowledge is power).....
Other people are not more important than you......
Stop trying to figure him out...and, put that energy onto yourself....
You have been neglected for a long time...neglected by others and neglected by your own self!