Its time
Tried one more time...RAH apologized for his behavior Friday night...i forgave ...told him we could continue to go forward...i dont know why...i guess i am the peace maker always...afraid of feeling judged...or wrong (mostly by his family/his mother..not him because my care for that has long gone away)...that im not being supportive enough, understanding enough or trying hard enough...anyways...we spent the day together...with the kids...made cookies...decorated them...painted..just tried to do family things...he came in a weird mood...not light...just heavy. I get annoyed with myself for trying...making sure hes happy..trying to keep things ok for the kids...i tried..kept my feelings of his attitude to myself...didnt engage in conversations that would have escalated...fast forward to the evening..
We are alone...kids in bed and he says he wants to talk...ok..so i give him my undivided attention...he wants to talk about how we dont talk...that its an issue we had in the past...(this goes both ways ....and i feel i am making the concious effort to do this now...but its hard with his emotional instability...NEVER know when i might trigger a negative spot...happens way too often right now)...i say i agree...
But what he really wants to talk about is that before his most recent irrational outburst that we were talking about him moving back home...(ugh)...so i let him talk...i listened...his conversation centered around how his "actions" have shown how much he does for us...that he realizes there will be triggers...(mostly done by me) and he thinks he needs to be here for the kids..they need it..us to be a family. He wants to know where i stand...so i start by saying that his actions have shown us a lot...but that his words tell a different story...he has said a lot of hurtful things...THEN he just goes off into a verbal assault as to this has always been about him..the focus always on what is wrong with him..never about me...i need to take a strong look at myself and blah blah blah...so i just sit there as whats the point really. Then he asks me something...so i say...case in point...i just sat and listened while you talked about where you see things...i didnt say a word...then i speak and you jump right in spewing verbal insults...so he apologizes and asks me to continue...so i say "i dont think we are ready" and then he explodes...tells me how this is going to work if we arent ready...he wont be able to give me as much money because he needs to start helping out the friend hes staying with..that i wont be able to do it on my own...that i am doing nothing to change myself (ive been going to IC for a month and a half) he scoffs at that because he doesnt see how its helping me at all....that i am selfish...lazy...a terrible mother...dont do anything but nothing...blah blah...and he left...thank goodness....
I am so done...so so so done....i just hate the guilt that comes with it...(again...mostly around his mother..she takes care of twins 3 days a week)...i just find it harder to deal with her and the fear of losing her more than him...i dont need him...i do need her.....