Resentments / grudges
This is a sticky topic for me because I realize that I can hold onto resentments and not let go.
Since his relapse and his on going rehab I have noticed a change in me. When we were at our "bottom" 15 years ago I was new to all of this chaos and when he came home from his 2 week stay in rehab he was practicing his morning meditation while I was running around the house trying to get our baby ready for daycare and myself ready for work. I can remember getting very irritated at the fact that he was there focused on himself and not wanting to participate, etc. Looking back, he was only reading for 15 minutes not an eternity like I made it out to be.
Fast forward to right before he relocated about 11 years ago. He was out of a job - all I wanted was for him to get help and find a job - but mostly find a job. Wasted many words and irritation on the fact that he was doing nothing to help himself and his family. By this time I had been in Alanon - obviously NOT listening to a damn thing.
Brings me to the present. When he first lost his job 5 weeks ago I could feel myself slipping back to where I was 15 years ago. That is when I caught myself and said "not this time"..... Think that is when I finally just had enough and packed his bags. I came to realize that I was going to be a single parent (and had been for years) and that my focus was what me and girls needed to survive while he figured this out. Yes, he needs a job but he needs his head on straight to do that. And if he doesn't get his head on straight then I know me and the girls will be okay because I will focus my energy on taking care of us and not minding HIS business and nagging about him getting help and find a job.
Freeing my mind of this resentment / grudge has been quite liberating for me this last week.
Thanks for reading