Originally Posted by
firebolt 
We have a nagging addict voice in the back of our heads too - just like they do. It tells us lies, it tries to say that something is good when it's not, it romanticizes turmoil and it tells us someone else can make us feel better. ALL LIES. And you got suckered by it. We all do from time to time in one way or another!
Thanks Firebolt, that makes a lot of sense. I do have a nagging voice in my head from time to time and it completely takes over my emotions. I´m not sure why it popped up now, probably because I´m stressed out by a lot of things in my daily life - nothing serious but I´m just tired.
Some days ago I had a choir rehearsal with a new director who reminded me a lot of the positive side of my xabf - not something real but the image he likes to project. I discovered myself thinking Wow this guy is like xabf without the alcohol - or the idea I have of what he would be like if he weren´t an alcoholic. But then this thought popped into my mind "but I prefer xabf because he´s familiar". Which was quite a revelation. And then I guess I began obsessing over going back to xabf. (Not that anything happened with the director, it was just the idea of opening up to the possibility of something better than turmoil. It really scared me!)