What I Won't Miss!
I went and looked at a house. I love it and they want me to rent it from them. I've decided that my peace and happiness and having a semblance of normalcy in my life is much more important than my finances.
I'm going to let him keep the house and I'll keep the loan and my name on the deed until he decides to move out. If I need to file bankruptcy at some point, so be it. In the scheme of life, I can get through that easier than I can a lifetime of living with an alcoholic.
I woke up sad and in mourning today after making this decision. I found myself getting sad about what I'm letting go. My sister called and she said something to me....What are you going to miss about him? Better yet...what won't you miss? Focus on that list when you find yourself sad.
So, here's my list.
I won't miss him being on the couch drunk for 5 days straight every other week. (Not exaggerating)
I won't miss tippy-toeing around my home getting ready for holidays while he sleeps on said couch until an hour before go time.
I won't miss hearing him crash around the house at night
I won't miss that squinty eyed mean look he gets sometimes when he's about to say something awful to me.
I won't miss the embarrassment of when he passes out on whatever standing piece of furniture he happens to be near during parties and family gatherings.
I won't miss the stress of keeping his kids parties as normal as possible when he passed out on the kitchen floor and they stepped over him.
I won't miss making excuses to his kids and trying to keep a semblance of a relationship going between them.
I won't miss sleeping alone as I have for the past 6 years
I won't miss the feeling of dread when I know he's coming home from a business trip
I won't miss the roller coaster ride of not hating him, then hating him, then crying over him, and then wanting to kill him.
I won't miss the stress of worrying about what is going to happen when he's so drunk, he can't speak
I won't miss the worry of waking up one morning and finding him dead on the floor
I won't miss that sick feeling in the middle of the night when I hear his footsteps coming towards the door and knowing that he will want to talk all night
I won't miss resenting him for not being there for anything important
I won't miss the chest pains I get when I drive home from work knowing that he's passed out on the couch.
I won't miss feeling like a total bi*** for shushing everyone in my home the entire weekend so that they don't wake him up and I have to deal with him.
I won't miss that feeling that my head might explode if I don't get my stress level down.
I won't miss losing a tiny piece of my soul each time I think about what I've put up with.
I won't miss those arguments that make me feel as if I might be losing my mind....does he seriously not remember what he said 2 seconds ago????
I WILL miss the fantasy I've had that he will get better and we will have a normal life one day.
I will miss my house.
I will miss my neighbors.
No brainer, huh?
Not so sad now. Just got to get through the hard part of walking out that door. As they say in Santa Claus is Coming to Town...."Just put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door!" (Yes, I love old Christmas shows like that! I need some happiness...LOL)