Sounds like you have some expectations of solid sobriety and some alcohol voice speaking loudly.
Have you considered working a program? Some of what you say you "don't want..." is what you find you need to accept then move past in terms of feeling or thinking those things in an achingly active way.
Knowing my exact days has been important for me, and pleasantly adding them up. Now I am at 9.5 months (288 days) and know within a day or two the exact number. I think AA members count days and milestones for at least awhile- - through the first year, at least- for many good reasons.
I hope you finally choose sobriety- it does not just happen and the things that caused us don't just go away- nor should they. Good luck.