Advice from recovering alcoholics?
I am looking for help for my family and myself. My husband has a drinking problem. My story is a little bit different than others because I didn't realize this until we separated. I will try to sum it up as quickly as I can. My husband and I had an amazing love story. We got together in 2003 and married in 2008. About 4 years ago, I noticed him changing. He wasn't as caring, kind, open, etc. When I said something to him, he ignored it but things only got worse. He began shutting down all together. He wasn't there for me emotionally for big things that happened. In the past, he definitely would have been. For the last 2 years, things have been really bad. We tried therapy but he would never open up even when I told him he needed to. Eventually, he was sleeping on the couch. I would always initiate conversation but he still wouldn't open up to me. It caused me to get very angry and fight with him. In July we were seeing a new couples therapist. I told her I wanted to work on the marriage but I wasn't sure if it would work out. He told her he was 100% in it and wanted to fix our marriage. In August, we got into a big fight and I had had enough. I told him to leave. I had asked him in the past for a small separation so that we could think about our relationship but he never went. Our therapist thought it was a good idea. I never left because I have no where to stay. Anyway, he left the house and for the first week we talked and so each other like everything was normal. I thought I was getting the break I had asked for until I called him the following week and ask him what the next step was and he told me he was done with our marriage. He never even have the decency to call me and tell me he felt this way! Since then, he has changed a lot. He is like a stranger to me. He supports me and the family financially. When it comes to emotions, he has done. He has seen me cry, he has seen me angry, sad, desperate, everything. He has never shown me any emotion except anger. In the beginning, I will try to touch him like hug him and he would back away. He makes me feel horrible about myself. He doesn't stick to schedules for the kids but if you ask him, it's all about the kids. I tried to explain it to him how hard it is for me with our 3 boys and how hard it is on them but he says they are fine. They are not fine at all. He sees the kids less and less. When he doesn't have the kids or is not working, nobody knows where he is. I have told him several times if he is seeing someone else he should tell me because that would be a deal-breaker and he would not have to worry about me wanting to be with him anymore. He insists to me and other people there is no one else. He's paranoid also. He shut off his personal phone and only uses his work phone. I know that he did this because he thinks I track him, which I do not. After months of driving myself crazy because I can't believe someone could go from loving me so much to being so cold and unemotional, my therapist asked me if I think he drinks too much. He asked me this because of his actions and his ability to shut off all emotions. After a few weeks of thinking about it, talking about it with my therapist and watching my husband, I finally realized that his drinking is definitely the problem. He lives at his mom's house and I took note that he drank almost 2 big bottles of vodka in less than 2 weeks. I feel less crazy but I am so upset that this is the problem. I grew up with alcoholic parents who I no longer talk to because they chose alcohol over me. I also can't believe that I didn't realize this was a problem when he was living at home. When I would say something years ago he would tell me I was overreacting because I grew up with alcoholic parents. Now I realize how much vodka he was drinking several times a week. I got him to go to therapy with me last Monday where at I brought up that I think he has a drinking problem. Therapist asked him some questions and he answered honestly. He stated that he has three or four drinks a week which consists of four or five shots of vodka in a glass. He also admitted that he drinks in front of the kids but does not see a problem with it. She said that he is a moderate Drinker right now and that he has a problem and needs to get help. She also said it is very bad that he is drinking in front of the kids. Since last week, he has been really mean to me. At first, he was insisting on a divorce. He's been saying divorce since the beginning but never pushed it like this. He says everything you can imagine like I can quit anytime I want to or I don't have a problem. He told me yesterday that he hadn't had a drink in a week but I don't believe him. Saturday night he went out and didn't get home until the middle of the night. If not drinking, what was he doing? This is another reason to suspect he is seen women. Or maybe it's just drinking. I don't know. Are there any recovering alcoholics out there that can give me some insight on what he is thinking? And what he is feeling? On what I should do it? How I should approach this? Thank you so much.