Thanks dwtdb,
Been thinking about what you said and yes you're totally right. I don't want to drink and I can make a Big Plan right NOW. IT dosent want me too, and i am allowing IT to stop me, with doubts and fears that belong to IT and not me. IT says that this is a load of BS and it wont be any different to anything else ive tried. It says i will never be able to even make a BP let alone stick to it. IT says a BP is too extreme. IT says leave the door open a little bit..you never know you might be ok to drink one day. IT says how is it even possible to never drink again, you wont be able to do that. IT tells me that I'm lying. So if I recognise this, there is nothing to actually stop me making a BP. It isn't me that wants to continue experimenting with ways to drink, it's my Beast. I KNOW that there is No way that any future use of alchol/drugs is going to be any different for me, IT doesn't know that, IT just wants what IT wants and can not think about how this effects me and my life. It's not like IT doesn't care IT'S a desire IT can not think or feel. IT needs my permission, my cooperation to indulge IT.
Part of me (me) is now thinking right that's it! I'm a strong person and there is No way I'm going to let this beat me! I'd like to declare war against my Beast! ( I don't know if that's a good way to think/feel using AVRT but I just felt it). I will live and I do deserve to live alcohol/drug free.
This has now become my choice, my responsibility. I like how these words make me feel...in control of my own life. I feel excited about my future. With the RGM I didn't feel in control of my life I felt like I had to do X to get X result and this drove me mad on a daily basis, constant analysis of my motives and actions. A belief that I deserved X because I had done X. What I like about AVRT/ BP is that I don't expect anything. I won't drink alcohol or take drugs ever again and what happens in my life is up to me.
My AV is now saying...you can't do this it can't be so simple as saying I will never use alcohol/drugs again and I will never change my mind. ITs saying that what i have just written is BS and im lying. I say that any thought, feeling or image that supports future using is not ME.