garnetwaters

I have been reading these forums for about 5 years now, but only made my first comment today. I know there are other “lurkers” like me and I want to thank everyone who posts here and let you know how much you help.

My husband started drinking heavily 10 years ago. In the beginning, I did all the things we family members do, I begged, I tried to control, I enabled, etc. Eventually I became isolated me from my friends and family as he made me fell worthless. He would tell me that I was a nag, a bit**, that all my friends knew this about me and warned him. He told me even my family told him what a bit** I am. He told me my friends were worthless. If I did keep any friends, he would get their number and hang out with them. He would follow me when I went out with friends and he would get insanely jealous and scream at me when I got home. So I kind of gave up. He started going out more and more while I spent years alone just waiting for him to come home. Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn’t. He would gaslight me and tell me he wasn’t going out as much as he was. He would tell me that the reality I was experiencing wasn’t true. I started keeping diaries just to prove to myself that what I was seeing is what was actually happening and wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me like he said. It was crazy.

I suspected him of cheating, but he always had a good story. I told myself, even if he did cheat, he was just drunk and “slipped up”. I became depressed and put on a lot of weight. During those lonely days, I found SR and ya’ll saved me. I started seeing a counselor and going to al-anon. 4 years ago, I joined weight watchers and lost all the weight and then some. I think this freaked him out because he started trying to repair the relationship. He admitted to being an alcoholic and put on a good show for me, but his lies and manipulations continued. He just got better at them. He was a arrested a few more times, but I stopped bailing him out and rescuing him. Then he went to jail for a serious offense and spent 7 months locked up. It was the best 7 months of my marriage because he wasn’t yelling at me, lying to me, and I knew he wasn’t out getting wasted. Isn’t that sad.
He got out last year. I told him I wanted a divorce, but said I would wait until he was out of jail. Big mistake. He played me for a few months, we were going to try to reconcile and he was going to get clean. But his drinking and drugging continued and even worsened. He doesn’t just drink, he smokes pot, does cocaine, and is huffing air dusters and nitrous. He became a drug dealer so he could use and make money on the stuff. Then I found messages between him and several women, including one who is his long-time girlfriend. I found messages where he was bragging about giving a friend advice on how to cheat and not get caught by the wife. He said he had experienced based on his “decade of indiscretions”. It was heartbreaking, but the proof hit me like a ton of bricks.

I called a lawyer the next day, met with the attorney on Friday and the divorce is getting filed this week. It took me years to come out of the fog, but it all started when I found these forums. I want to thank all of you for your stories and words of wisdom and support. You do so much for the people who post, but also the one like me who lurk and read and realize we are not crazy. We are not alone. We are WORTHY of a good life and a good partner in this life. I am not beating myself up for his behavior like I used to. I didn’t cause it, and I can’t cure it. I learned to detach and work on myself. It took a while, but it helps to think of myself as a survivor of an plane crash. I am emerging from a fiery crater and as I drag myself away, I can start to look back and appreciate the tragedy and destruction I am escaping.

I still have a way to go and I don’t know if this divorce will go as smooth as I’d like. I’m calling a therapist next week. I think I will need one to get through this. We all know how angry they can get and how unpredictable their behavior can be. But I think I have the strength for it now thanks to you all.