Originally Posted by
Praying 
Hi Liz...
Something I found out about myself these last few months...
I met a guy who has been through therapy for his own issues, and who still goes regularly because he feels he keeps growing. The conversations I've had with this man are incredible, because he's deeply committed to knowing himself. He fully understands things like SR and Alanon, even though he hasn't needed them in particular. My point here is that my interactions with him are on such a different level than most men I've met, and I realized that if the time comes that I'm in another relationship, for me, I need that to be part of it. He doesn't shy away from understanding and discussing emotional topics.
On my bucket list is someday having a romantic relationship where, emotionally, I'd be broken if he died. I'd survive, but feel like a deep part of me was taken...I think that's so beautiful, and I've never experienced it (in a healthy way). Not a codependent thing, not a financial or convenience thing, but because someone who knew me and supported me on that deepest level was gone. (Then I'd ask him to let me die first lol.) I'm not sure if I'm meant to experience it in this life, and I may not be ready yet, but I've decided I will accept nothing less in that department.
I am dating right now (my, how life changes), but it's interesting dating with the perspective that I'm not sure I want someone in my life every day just yet. It's also interesting to see that there are really tons of good men out there, who for whatever reason may not be a fit for me. That doesn't make them less good.
I don't think you should quiet that voice. In my experience, every time I've battled with that voice in my head, I've later learned I should have listened. There's something real here. Kudos to you for staying honest with yourself and thinking through things.
Hey lady!! Good to hear from you AND that you are dipping your toes in the dating waters again!
You know, my bf loves to get into deep conversations about emotion and about my recovery, too. He just doesn't understand why I still need it, lol. But, he never makes fun of it or challenges me about it. It interests him in a way that I feel is quite supportive.
As a matter of fact, he will often probe me to get me to peel away my own layers like when I said I didn't like a movie because it made me feel too much. Well, he needed to know why and what is was about the movie that made me uncomfortable. It was a tragic romance movie, actually, and he really enjoyed it. Anyway, he saw the romance part and the true depth of the movie and felt it was inspiring. I was the one sitting there thinking, "Dear god, when is this going to end. We know he's going to die and she'll be heartbroken." Hmmmm, am I jaded just a bit? I wanted to let that movie into my heart and actually feel the message but I fought it off until he asked me to open up and talk.
So, the man is not a robot. He can connect with me emotionally and has let me cry on his shoulder and he gives excellent hugs. He himself, has offered me a part of his heart that I'm sure no one has seen when he tells me about his feelings regarding certain things/people/circumstances/etc.
He just doesn't verbally offer me his own feelings and assumes that I just know how he feels about me. Hence the disconnect and a chance for me to eventually get my needs met or not, depending on his comfort level with my requests.
But, as you said, I need to listen to my intuition. For now, I just need to get my intuition in line with itself and figure out if what I'm fearing is my own fears of commitment and emotional vulnerability or if it's hesitation about him specifically or our dynamic. Lots to learn but I'm getting there!
I will say that I need to own a lot of what's happening and a lot of it is that I don't speak up. Or, if I do, it's not done in an 'own your power' kind of way. I'm very accommodating. So, the problems and red flags I see may actually be on both sides of the street because if I'm not solid enough in my communication to him, then how can I blame him if I've buried my head in the sand and avoided the confrontation itself? I can make him into the bad guy here, just like I did my ex, but I am a part of this equation too, and sitting around meekly pretending that I'm OK and that everything is perfectly fine and that I'm in agreement with most everything isn't going to help. I have spoke up about a few things but I have to admit I'm conflict avoidant.
I'm not about to run away from this relationship until I give myself a chance to speak up, to confront in a kind way, to actually use the dang program tools I've learned all these years but seem stymied right now as to how to be effectively using them.