Aellyce

I think it can be done without losing independence and personal time/space. My husband and I maintain separate finances, we have our own rooms in our home where we both can retreat solo (including sleeping), and we travel a lot independently both on business and for pleasure. I just recently took a two-week vacation on my own and he joined together with a friend of his for a weekend. One could perhaps say, this is more like dating than a marriage... but I don't think so. It still allows building a home and life together and can provide the spontaneous moments of intimacy that are hard to experience in a dating relationship, IMO. Having kids would make this more complicated but we don't, so it's just a lifestyle choice made by and for two adults.

I had a relationship in the past with another alcoholic that was structured and managed similarly, but in the end we destroyed it with our primary preference for drinking. So experiencing it now with another person and without the alcohol is very rewarding. There are many challenges though that surface now without the numbing effect of the booze and with trying to make efforts to maintain boundaries that are compatible with this relationship, it is far from trivial and as I said before, have to be flexible enough to accommodate the constantly changing and evolving dynamic. I don't think it's possible to manage if people keep rigid boundaries and expect a very high level of consistency and predictability. Ironically though, in spite of the lack of apparent consistency, I feel that this is probably my first long-term relationship with truly secure attachment, ever. The trust and communication is consistent though, and I think that's what matters the most.

I have a naturally intense need for intimacy and interaction. When I was younger though (while drinking alcoholically and before), I used boundaries mostly to protect my insecurities and to keep people at arm's length. Easy to predict what this led to: fluctuations of a chronically dismissive-avoidant style and desire for intense communication and closeness, constant cycles of push-and-pull. Not hard to see how this can drive many people crazy, including the person experiencing these seemingly opposite currents from within. My therapist recently pointed out that there is a big difference between boundaries and erecting walls around oneself but easy to confuse the two - I think that was a great insight. So what I am personally trying to do these days with my partner is exploring using compatible boundaries and welcoming the vulnerabilities coming with it. As I said, it is often a very challenging but also interesting and fulfilling expedition. Definitely not compatible with an addiction-packed lifestyle.