I know you say this is the kind of relationship you prefer, but you also admit it is complicated. That means it will always cause tension in your life. That will always be a potential trigger. Just like if i stay in a job that causes me stress and has led me to drink before, it will always be a trigger. I need a new job for my health and well being.
My plans to get in to a relationship in the future include joining a church and making female friends there. Someone will eventually introduce me to their amazing single brother, son, grandson, nephew or cousin. He just hasn't found the right girl yet, like I haven't found the right guy yet. And we'll date and maybe I find out we're not compatible. No hard feelings because I didn't initiate sexual intimacy before knowing whether we were compatible or not, and I've stayed sober and kept a level head and I'm still buddies with all his female relatives, so all the more motivation to split on amicable terms. lol None of this meeting in a dark club or on a lifestyle dating site and wondering if we can ever tell our families where we met.
Sorry, just rambling.