Everything that you're feeling and that you're experiencing is perfectly natural. It's also natural if you were to feel yourself in a hurry to make progress, to get things done.
It's very difficult to arrive at a place where we no longer trust ourselves, our own thinking and judgment, but it's a start.
It would be a good idea for now to start taking care of yourself. Our thinking becomes increasingly distorted while we're drinking, and there isn't a part of us that keeps us drinking that offers any relief from berating ourselves for not having handled things better. So don't look there. It's over. The battle, if there ever was one, was lost a long time ago, and there's no ground to be gained by stomping on yourself. Whatever reservations you may have about it, I strongly recommend that you get outside help. There is simply no way to measure the impact that social and professional supports can have with addictions, with other problems, and with life in general.
The things you're describing, you're going through, probably seem like the end of the line, so it's hard to see the opportunity for beginning something much better for you. It takes time, it take patience, and it takes a lot of work. New ways of thinking about ourselves, about life, and about ourselves need space to take root, so getting rid of old ways of thinking, unhelpful beliefs, and worn out excuses as to why we cannot make things better needs to be a priority.
You've got a long ways to go in your life and, at this moment of deep despair, you're in the best position to do something about it than ever before. You also have something that many people don't or don't know that they have. You have something much better to look forward to.