Some things transpired and the situation has continued to be drawn out.. I am trying to cooperate with the home care company that I work for to help them figure out what has been going on with these people, why I was allowed to stay in a situation with all this game playing going on and I was never informed I was put in the middle of it.. I am learning people can't be trusted.
When I say game playing... what it starting to become clear is that the family members are in dispute over who is going to get the house and the land when my former client passes. If she stays in her home until her death, it may go to one niece, the one who has been trying to ensure myself and the other caregivers are able to stay there.. If she is placed in a facility, then the house and the land go elsewhere potentially.. and what it looks like has been going on, is the couple who live across the street who are causing all this drama, are trying to drive caregivers away so that the aunt has no option but nursing home placement. I had unknowingly been placed in the middle of a crazy battle, unfortunately one that includes individuals with major substance abuse issues.
But I am frightened that if something comes to pass because of my leaving and my taking my concerns to my company, that I will face repercussions from the couple with all the issues. I think I may go and have a sit down with my boss and talk to her about my fears and concerns. I think I should do this before leaving the company. I had plans to switch over to another one but I may just stay in both.. whatever..
I'm just ashamed to have been a complicit part of all this, in a way, but also that I had been so naive as to think that I was deserving of honesty and respect from these people.. I know they didn't owe me that. Again, as I've said, I'm grieving the loss of relationships, as I'd seen them..
The stress of this has become physical - I am not sleeping well, I have headaches, I have IBS exacerbated, I have painful tension knots in my back, I'm not eating much, and right now I want to go to the gym but I'm very shaky and don't want to drive like this.
My AV is acting out.. something that should be fun, decorating the Christmas tree, became an outlet for my obsessive compulsion.. My mother kept telling me it doesn't have to be perfect.. She knows I've been spinning and doesn't know what for.. Doesn't ask... Did my step father tell her, because we spoke about it.. and this again, Why can't people just open their mouths and speak and ask questions and say the things that need to be said?
I want closure on all this without anymore participation, but I have real concerns for my personal safety. I need peace more than I need the answers..