My mother seems annoyed that I'm down today... It affects her day, unfortunately. Boo. Hoo. She doesn't ask if I'm okay, she assumed I'm just depressed, and because she coped with the abuse initially years ago by getting on medication, and because she has had a successful experience with the meds over the years, and has only found the depression to come back when she's gone off them, she assumed that a person who is experiencing depression is wallowing in self-pity and being too lazy or too stubborn to get help for themselves. I think that she takes pride in what she has accomplished and maintained and I'm not saying she shouldn't.. But meds haven't worked for me, nor has any substance or any effort to stuff feelings or numb them.
Yes, depression is chemical, and meds could help.. and I did just take some St. John's.. but this depression is situational. I need to sit with this and let this work itself out. I can feel my feelings and learn from them and know that they can't hurt me. I know what she doesn't: My substance abuse stemmed from a lifetime of being made to feel like certain things shouldn't be talked about and that emotions were weakness and that not medicating everything was giving up.
I'm stronger than what is going on in my mind right now, but I just need some time.. as much as I wish others could understand that, ultimately, their acceptance of my feelings wouldn't allow me to accept anything.
PS the faith in medicine stems from her career as a psychiatric nurse!