I went to a meeting last night and one of our topics was Fear. I heard some things that I really needed to hear because it described me perfectly. Someone described how their pervasive fear drove them - fear of not getting what they want, and fear of losing what they had. Someone else expanded on that and described how that very fear drove them to lie, manipulate, and do whatever they had to do to hold on to these things/people.
And that's what I've been doing, because I haven't had faith in living an honest life. I have an overwhelming fear of rejection, and as a result I sabotage anything worthwhile instead of giving anything an earnest effort.
My girlfriend (whom I love very much) says she's taking a few days and then we'll eventually talk. I don't want to offer explanations or excuses, I know she's sick of hearing it. I'll leave it open to her whether she wants to hear what steps I've been taking and how I've been doing. It's ultimately up to her whether she wants to continue on this journey with me.