I used alcohol to fill an empty space inside myself. A space that was a void where safety should have been. Most animals when under extreme threat retreat to a place of safety. I have kind of worked out as a kid - didn't happen. So avoidance and sick days to retreat from threats (real or imagined) became the norm. I began to adjust off kilter. I had no 'normal' role models to learn from. Then along came my predatory friend- alcohol. Fixed everything! Once I stopped drinking and I evicted my lying bast..d friend alcohol- guess who was waiting in the shadows? Yep- that empty space. Problem was it was there all along. THAT is the reason I began and continued to drink. So the hard work now is making that safe place within myself. Not a physical place (that however is necessary) but just a confidence in myself I do stuff without retreating (running away sounds so ugly). Not stupid- think like an adult but react with the emotional maturity (at times) of a 14 year old.