I talked to a really close friend tonight, we had a long talk, we hadn't talked in two months... I didn't bring up my number of sober days but he could tell I was doing better and I told him as much...
One thing I found was that he wasn't aware how low and insecure I was, he couldn't see that in me, no matter if i was drinking or not.. he does understand the positive changes that happen when we stop drinking. He is also an alcoholic.
I didn't ask him about his sober time but during our phone call he was distracted mid-thought by his fiancee walking in to the room to check if he was drinking. The conversation had been good and he'd been expressing himself very intelligently as is usual.. After that happened, he was unfocused, lost his train of thought a lot and couldn't really string together his words.. When we got off the phone he said he needed (needed) to go watch a movie he really likes.. because it's stupid and mindless and he's watched a million times and it lets him shut his mind down. And my thought was... Do you think that when you're still in it, when you're still struggling, when your partner has just come to check on you and see if you've been using, and you need to take your mind off THAT and move forward, that you should be doing something mindless and habitual that keeps you in low consciousness and addictive thought??? So that was my thought, what I said was, I wonder if it's best to do something habitual and mindless, I find a lot of times I feel more positive and get farther away from where I don't want to be, by doing something I haven't done before, changing something small, being engaged.. Just a thought I hope stays with him..
And I hope that as time goes on he gets well but he's been in and out of rehabs of all kinds and seems to be in a really low place.. his humor protects him from showing it, but I saw it near the end of call... I hope we can always maintain a friendship based on mutual trust, which we've had, and bond over shared strength, rather than shared struggles... I fear he won't find me relatable as time goes by...