Originally Posted by
Justme2016 
I know I am very lucky I need to do just that... permanent recovery but I feel like a loser and can't stop thinking of what could have happened.
You were extremely fortunate on several counts, but this absolutely must be a wake up call. The odds of getting such a huge break again are rather slim, and it is likely that the consequences will be steep if there is ever another similar incident.
You obviously cannot predict the outcome once you begin to drink, so do do not allow this to continue. Your guilt is quite relevant, in that your conscience is actually telling you that this is very wrong for you, and to do the obvious. It is not telling you to feel sorry for yourself in order to justify continued drinking.
That 'but', and everything after it, on the other hand, is your addiction talking, trying to use your guilty conscience against you. Everything before the 'but' is you -- the real you -- so you already know what you need to do here.
That said, what is your plan regarding this problem?