This alcoholic has been married to her alcoholic for 18 years. Only the last 7 have been in sobriety (5 for him). It CAN be done, but takes a lot of work. We were already married a long time when sobriety came around, and there was a foundation of love present, so we decided to do the work.
We started in individual and couples therapy. That was very helpful for our communications skills.
We also work our OWN programs. He stays on his side of the street and I on mine. He has a different homegroup and if we happen to go to the same meeting, we go our separate ways as soon as we enter the AA room. We have standing rules as to what happens next if there is relapse, etc. Thankfully we haven't had to institute any of our "disaster plans" yet. But at least they are there so that all involved are protected.
I will say that it is so nice to be in a marriage with someone who speaks the same language of recovery as I do. We don't fight anymore, we discuss our perceptions and feelings and try to find our parts. No more power-play games.