Yeah, drinking is kind of like dumping gasoline on the fire.
Welcome to SR and for sharing your feelings. Posts like yours are invaluable to me as they are a constant reminder of what life was like when I was drinking. Constant panic, guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc. Lurching from one crisis to another.
The good news is, you don't have to live like that anymore. As much as your brain might be telling you that alcohol is the solution to your problems, the truth is, it's the cause.
A life without booze might be hard to imagine right now, but it is possible. Plenty of us have been in your shoes. Most of us didn't think it was possible either. Just try to take things one day at a time, and as the distance starts to accumulate you'll see as well.
Oh, and put together a plan
