SkywardTendency

I'm new to these forums, although I've read through them multiple times before without registering. Thought I'd post on here to share in hopes that I can connect with you all in a way that solidifies my recent conviction to stop drinking. Perhaps my story will also help others who, like me, were simply Googling phrases like "do I drink too much?" and "the benefits of quitting alcohol" and stumbled on forums like this.

My story many not sound extreme to some, but it’s one that I’m compelled to share. If you can’t appreciate my story, then please move on.

I grew up as a home schooled country boy, so I lived a pretty protected and quiet upbringing. I was always intrigued by stories of alcohol and marijuana, perhaps because it was a taboo topic among my family.

As a freshman in college in 2007, I had my first alcoholic drink. It was 4 shots of Watermelon Burnett’s poured by a friend in my dorm. I remember turning my head and spinning around after each shot to see at what point I would feel the effects. I was told it was a sure-fire test.

By Christmas break of my first semester in college I was habitually drinking Diesel, a 190 proof grain alcohol with a truck grill on the label. February of my 2nd semester was my first underage drinking arrest. Didn’t really deter me though. My girlfriend was 21 and would buy me whatever I wanted. I still remember giving her a shopping list of fifths when she refused, telling me “You’re killing yourself.” Whoa, that was the first time I had even though about that. We broke up.

Summer of ’09 was the summer my best friend started drinking too. We grew closer together because of it, and it became a thing that we just always did together. If it wasn’t alcohol, it was marijuana. Usually both if possible. Also LSD, MDMA, mushrooms, and huge house parties. Even after some close calls with police stops, drinking tickets, arrests, one of my good friends dying in a drunk-driving accident, and my best friend hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, it never really deterred us from numbing our minds and bodies.

It was around this time that I began to notice a real change in how I approached life and living. I would have so much enjoyment of activities, and I would begin to save those activities only for when I got plastered. Little did I know that I was rewiring the reward system in my brain. I didn’t want to do anything fun or enjoyable UNLESS I could get drunk and/or high before it. What started out as an experience enhancement became an experience requirement.

“This is going to be so much fun to watch tonight when we get silly.” “Let’s not go out unless we can drink first.” “Let’s save this game for when we’re messed up.” I believe that mentality, that way of thinking that I could only have fun or let myself have fun if I was intoxicated, helped heighten my issue with alcohol for the next 7 years.

Fast forward hundreds of drunken nights, I found myself in handcuffs sitting on the curb of a street in 2012. I was slowly coming out of a blackout but had no idea why I was being arrested or where I was. All I know is I was bleeding from thorn branches, I was missing a shoe and an earring, my shirt was torn up and I was missing my wallet and cell phone. Even though I wasn’t living with them, my parents picked me up that night. The next morning, they asked if I had ever been drunk before, and I said, “Yeah, don’t you remember? I got arrested for it as a freshman.” “But you told us you weren’t drunk then.” Whoops, a liar needs a perfect memory I guess.

Again, the arrest only startled me. It didn’t actually change anything. My employer was very generous on more than one occasion that I came in late or still hungover. It became a joke with my coworkers. Luckily I could always pull my own weight, but I was definitely known as the party guy. I continued to hide my drinking habits from my family.

At this point, I was drinking alone 95% of the time and getting more reckless with my driving habits. I started thinking 6 beers was still okay to drive on. Then 8. Then 10. On multiple occasions, I drove on 12 beers or more (drank in just a couple hours). Although not in blackout state at that point, I would have to close one eye while driving to prevent double vision. It is a true wonder I never got in a wreck since I couldn’t even distinguish one car from two.

I mentioned drinking alone and then driving. What the hell was I doing on the road then??? TO GO BUY MORE ALCOHOL OF COURSE! No matter how many times I hid my keys, wrote notes on the door, or recorded messages on my phone before my drinking session telling myself not to drive, I would invariably undo it all and get in the car. I would even go as far as to make sure the stove was off and my dog had fresh water and food just in case I would get a DWI and spend time in jail. Such irrationality, recklessness, carelessness, insanity.

My best friend chose January 1 of this year as his first day of sobriety. I joined him. Fortunately for him, he’s still going strong and has been sober for almost 10 months now. I, on the other hand, casually had a beer in late February which turned into a 6 pack the next day which turned into, “Oh well, I fell off, what’s the point now?”

Sometimes he’ll tell me he feels like he’s about to fall off the wagon. Then I’ll send him one of the many drunken videos I’ve recorded ranting to the camera about how the drunkenness isn’t worth it, how I feel sick, how I just puked all my dinner up, how I just spent $170 on a porn webchat and don’t even remember any of it, and how I’m going to feel like crap tomorrow. DON’T DRINK MAN!

I speak about all of this like it’s in my past. Unfortunately I’m still dealing with this problem, and I’m only 3 days into my current span of sobriety. I feel good about it this time. I feel more strongly about quitting this time. I feel like I can do this. That’s why I’m posting here. But I am concerned too, because I know how careless I can be when it comes to this sort of thing. I know I can’t have even one beer because that’s what will send me back.

I’ve heard the phrase, “Scared to drink, scared not to drink.” I can relate. I’m scared when I’m staring at the ceiling at 4am, heart racing, sweating uncontrollably, blood pressure through the roof, feeling like I’m going to die. I’m also scared when I start feeling better and realize that I’m going to actually have to DEAL WITH LIFE rather than just numb myself up and float on through. Life is too short to be forgetting, to be inducing sickness, to be embarrassing myself and ruining friendships.

Thanks for reading, I’m sure this is way longer than it needed to be. If anyone is struggling, I’ll definitely lend an ear. Support is key!