Originally Posted by
Praying 
I find that I still get very sensitive or defensive when I have an unmet expectation related to something I thought I was "okay with", but deep down really wasn't.
I'd use your feelings to explore if there's something real there--you might be glossing over a need you have or an expectation that you WANT filled by your partner--which could be a valid desire that you're not able to get with him, so you tell yourself not to need it because things are good enough without it. If it's a deep enough need it will keep resurfacing and could be an issue later on.
I wonder that a lot, as well. Am I glossing over a need that I want filled? I think the problem is that I want my partner to respond like I would respond. I want him to behave as I would in certain situations or in response to something I asked or stated or whatever.
That's where the problem lies. I think the deeper issue for me is; control. I want to control someone else's response to help quell the anxiety I have because I need certainty. I want certainty. I want guarantees. That is part of MY disease. I wanted my spouse to quit drinking because, in my mind, that was a guarantee that we could finally all live happily ever after. I had a map all made out that went like this: If only my spouse would do this, then this would happen, and then everything would be well.
I know I still do this today in my relationship with my bf. Hence, the reason I still struggle with wanting him to behave a certain way. I work on acceptance since he seems to accept my shortcomings and character defects like it's no big deal, lol....but acceptance seems to come to me at a much slower rate.
As for the defensiveness, that is something I communicate about to my partner and to my close friends. I can, at least, logically work through that because I know that it's a mechanism I use to cope with stress or pressure or whatever. It's something I know how to work on. But, overcoming the problems I have with expectations is not as easy.