Expectations and defensiveness
Please share with the board how you handle expectations especially in romantic relationships and how you work with your own defensiveness, if that is an issue for you, as well.
I am dealing with my own inner demons of trying to determine what is a valid expectation and reasonable or what is just ME trying to satisfy my own ego or my own 'hole in my soul' through someone's behaviors, words, etc. In other words: I expected a response in a certain way to my own vulnerability and I didn't get what I wanted. I got something else and it's burning a hole in my peace and serenity right now. I have worked very hard at opening my heart again, at being vulnerable, etc and unfortunately I expect the same thing in return. I don't always get what I want nor do I always get what I need when I feel that i need it. I do get my needs met by my partner, just not always WHEN I want them met. I am a very demanding person in my own head, lol.
I have enough program in me to know that expectations are future resentments and I'm here to admit that: YES....they are! And, I can feel it building already. I work my program slogans, call my sponsor, and vent to my program friends when I need to. I was raised in an alcoholic home, married an alcoholic and I know now that I basically married my father. I can see that now looking back but old habits die hard.
My bf was asking me the other day why I get so defensive. Umm, because I HAD to. I was trained to. I was always on defense and my XAH was on offense trying to find every hole or break in my defensive line. We were always playing a game, a game that he had to win, he had to always be right, and I had to always be wrong and he was going to prove it. I hated it and now I find that I can't even handle simple comments that aren't even criticisms of me, they are simply observations or small talk and I immediately feel the hairs go up on the back of my neck and I have to talk myself down and say: that wasn't a criticism of YOU, girl, that was just him observing and making conversation. Some days I do better at grasping the whole picture and I can let it go, other days I engage in my defensive behaviors. It wasn't until I left my sick marriage that I was able to step back and truly see just how sick I had become. How those patterns developed over time. And, now, in my current relationship how they are becoming road blocks to my own happiness because I cling to those old habits. I am trying to create new pathways in my emotional responses but damn it's hard to reverse 45 years of damage and destruction.
I truly need to find some serenity today. I have a lot of change coming my way for my career, my son will be 18 in a few weeks and he's far from being prepared for the adult world, and I'm letting negative emotions affect how I feel about my boyfriend and our life together. So, if you have some serenity, please throw it down to Phoenix today!! I'll take whatever you all have to spare, lol!