You're getting some really good advice and support here, so there's not a lot I could add without being redundant. I understand the anxiety and maddening cycle of ruthless self-criticism, wondering if you're just defective as a human being. I can assure you you're not and, as others have pointed out, the very fact you are aware of all these disturbing thoughts and feelings and expressing them in a place where you know people are willing to help is a very encouraging sign. I would be a nervous wreck, too, if I were in your position, so what you are going through is completely understandable. Wishing you the very best.