Good Lord, Bunny, put the bat away. Stop beating yourself up. You're going through a horribly scary waiting period that could very well define alot of your life and you're worried that your envy makes you a bad and horrible person?
That revelation in and of itself has already told me what you won't let yourself see and that is change. I'm pretty sure the Bunny of 16 months ago wouldn't have sought help like you are, recognized your thinking patterns... no matter how normal and justified they are right now and sure as s#it not tried to make amends, gone to a meeting or spent time with your God daughter.
In the end, it is what it is. All you have to do is show up. Nothing says you have to trust God right now, or be happy joyous or free. You just have to not drink or drug.
My prayers the first week I got out of ICU after almost dying from my last bender was, "God, I know there's no way I can walk away from this unscathed. I've done too much damage for too long. Please help me." That was all I could manage, and that was enough for me at the time.
Do yourself a favor. Treat yourself like a good friend for the next week. Do something nice for yourself every day. Surround yourself with those who will lift you up no matter how dark you feel.
Just survive the next week, no matter what. Nothing is written in stone yet.
Thank you for your sharing. You helped me a great deal today, and I'll pray that you find peace and good health.