Feeling like a bad person
As you guys know, I am awaiting tests which will tell me if I have the breast cancer gene. If I do, I will have to have preventative mastectomy and they will want to take my ovaries too. I might not get a chance to have children. It has been bothering me for a while, before I had the test, and now...waiting for the results. I'm 16 months sober and my life is not where I would like it to be. I'm 34. No boyfriend,no husband, no prospects. I'm switched from "I'm living life and as long as I don't drink I will be ok...my focus is on NOT drinking" to "I'm trying to live abundantly with this disease of distorted thinking and immaturity." Anyway I went away with my family for the long weekend. My sister in law revealed she is pregnant. I felt crushed and hopeless....like...that will never happen to me...I'm going to be alone and miserable for life. ME ME ME ME. And then I HATED myself that I reacted that way rather than sharing in their joy and being excited to be an aunt. I really, truly worry that I am a narcissist and an evil, horrible person. Like, NORMAL people don't do this! Whyyyyyyyyy do I do this?! I spent one night silently weeping and begging God to make me a good person and take away my selfishness. I took my god daughter to a petting zoo. I went to a meeting. I made an amends to my brother and sister in law and I felt better about that. But I keep going back and I am like OH MY GOD I am so horrible. I have such dark, selfish, evil thoughts. I mean I really wanted to kill myself this weekend. I cannot drink. I cannot reach for a substance to FIX me anymore. And I am still learning to trust and rely on God. I keep falling into the same patterns of negative thinking and I destroy myself and scare myself and then I think my only option is to end my life because honestly, the emotional pain I am feeling right now is far greater than anything I ever felt while I was drinking. NOTE: I am NOT suicidal but these thoughts run through my head from time to time and SCARE me. I'm a terrible sister and daughter and I think my family is scared of me and I am scared of myself because my thinking is so whacked.
8 days till I get test results.
Could use support and prayers because I am really struggling these days.