Liza, as a fellow mom of two teen ACOA boys, I feel you! I shared the same tendencies to spoil and pamper my kids due to the awfulness. I also had a relationship soon after my divorce and learned a lot from it's impact on me and my kids. I want to challenge you a bit, so I'm pulling some of your words...
Originally Posted by
lizatola I let my kid get away with NOT doing so much as he grew up that I think I did him a terrible disservice. I just always felt that I did things better and didn't have the patience to instruct him along with the fact that he has disabilities that made it difficult for me to work with him at times.
He has trouble thinking for himself and some of that is because I did a lot of his thinking for him
He does spend money on food like it's going out of style because he says he doesn't like what my bf and I cook and that we don't make enough caloric intake for him. I tell him he can cook for himself when he gets home but he says it's 8 PM and he would rather pick up food on the way home from tennis practice or he'll eat at his dad's.
I totally relate. Been there, done that. Still do in some ways, though I've improved a lot. It's important to remember that this was his known life for years and years--his entire reality.
Originally Posted by
lizatola My house is a family home, everyone does their part and we expect him to contribute his energy and eventually financially.
The bf wants to start charging him rent when he graduates in may. He believes I've enabled my son and given him a very easy life. Which I have.
Whoa!..... What happened?
"My house is a family home"..."we expect him to contribute"... you've launched into this new wonderful life (and I'm happy for you). It's likely amazing and way better than the way you and your son lived before with XAH--but it also sounds like a total 180 from your prior life. You've completely changed the rules for your son, which could be seen as a result of moving in with your bf. It's very likely that, without bf, these changes would have occurred more slowly and naturally as you adjusted together. As it is, you've jumped headfirst into bf's world (maybe the world you've always wanted to live in), but DS had little life preparation for it.
I'd challenge you to unravel how much of these changes you'd be asking for if you still lived alone--and at what pace.
Originally Posted by
lizatola My XAH enables this all and doesn't want to push our son to get a job. He pays for my son's car and the insurance. He won't communicate with me. Literally refuses to answer my emails or texts. I feel like I'm single parenting and that my XAH is just providing my son with a bachelor pad to crash at when my son feels like I'm pressuring him too much.
My XAH doesn't ask for anything....he's too busy managing his disease and his excuses and his pity parties.
Two things I felt when I read this. The first paragraph sounds like XAH is living the way you always did--you were fine enabling DS before. XAH hasn't changed or become "worse"--you changed. And his relative stability in expectations may be of some comfort to DS.
When DS says that dad "only has him"... in some ways that might be refreshing for DS--he may miss being a more integral part of your life before it expanded to include bf and his kids. There's a huge energy shift involved there.
Also... I'm not fond of your XAH at all... but the second paragraph above made me smile a little. XAH could be sitting there saying "Liza is too busy with her new life and her new family to spend the time on what DS really needs." That would outrage you, I'm sure! We don't know why he's doing what he's doing. But it is just THE SAME. He hasn't changed.
It sort of feels like you'd like to fast forward into a world where DS was already raised more like bf's daughters--which I completely understand. But if I'm DS, I may not be comfortable with that at all, and I may struggle with feeling "on the outside" or "not good enough" for your new life. It might be easier to go hang with dad.
While blending into a common family can be good, honoring your initial family unit as having its own differences is important too. And raising DS differently than the expectations for bf's kids may be the right thing to do, since he's starting at a different place. Fair is not equal.
Originally Posted by
lizatola I know my son needs tough love but I also wonder if I push too hard, will he run away and let my XAH enable him or not get him set up right for adulthood? I'm mad at myself and at my XAH and even at my son at times. I even get mad at the bf, too, because his honesty and outside observation makes me look bad as a parent. He's gentle with his delivery and we've talked about this a LOT, but he still thinks tough love and me pushing more and expecting more is necessary. I'm just afraid my son will turn to drugs, his dad, excuses, laziness, etc if I keep hounding him.....ARGH!
In the end I know you know that if DS chooses laziness or drugs, that's his choice and you can't stop him. And for the record, I'm afraid of those things too!
I think the bigger question here is what YOU think is right. I sense that while you know you should've created more independence in DS earlier, you're not ready to jump to the place bf thinks you should be. And that you feel you SHOULD jump there because bf thinks it's right--and because it looks bad that as a mother you haven't gotten there already. Jumping there would keep you from rocking the "new family" boat and setting a bad example for bf's kids--but it may not be what's best for DS in the long run.
How much are you blending into bf's life because "he's a good man who has his act together" vs living how you want to live? What would you do right now if you lived alone with DS?
From the outside in, people can judge pretty easily. But only you know where DS has been and what the history is---and only you can decide the right path to unraveling that and easing him toward independence. I think that path is likely much slower and winding than bf would like--which means that putting the time (and energy) into that will add some stress to your relationship.
But you only get one shot to raise a teen. And you have decades to play with your man.