Bluehawaii......you will continue to be tormented by this man as long as you are looking to him to get y our emotional needs met.....
You will have to get your "kindness" from others....elsewhere....
Even though you are separated, it still seems that you are very socially enmeshed with him.
Maybe, it is time that you consider no contact with him...except for necessary "business". Your daughter is an adult, now...so, it is not li ke you have a little kid that you have to communicate with him about.....
don't even bother to ask why he does the things he does...you will never understand what is in his brain....
Form what you have shared, in your threads..he has had a toxic and inappropriate relationship[ with her since childhood....
Probably, the best that you can do is to encourage her to keep working her own program and keep your boundaries up with regard to both of them......
You only have true control over yourself.....and your peace and serenity will not come from anywhere else, ultimately.....