Hey everyone; haven't posted in a long time on here.
For a while, things were okay; not great, not complete, but I had a good grip on things and managed a mostly sober Spring semester, and an almost entirely sober Summer.
For school, the last academic year was, while challenging in terms of drinking, also a very great time. I made some truly alike friends who I can talk classic books with, was then comfortable with my college and knew how to take advantage of everything and carving out lots of quiet places that were my own, and just really excelled in so many ways, and had a good time.
The drinking wasn't perfect, and I am in no way sheltering idea of moderation, but I was able to say No often, which for my school meant at least two weeks sober: in the mountains, away from everything, and as I don't have a car saying No to a liquer run meant I was dry until the next one. So that was good, and each time I said No I felt I had a better grip on myself as a person.
But flash forward to September, and I've gone through huge changes and also, miserably so, returned to the utmost worst of drinking; from that first sip, I get the rush; I am done for the day. And I'm a bit older now, been drinking hard for 5 years about, so I don't only lose that day but the next one also, sleeping and feeling sick and all of that.
What happened is that I'm in Japan now, studying abroad. This is a 'dream come true' for me, but there have been so many things that were immediately problematic for me here that almost instantly, a week into the semester, I had this panic attack, started feeling loony, and rushed off for a drink---- and now, 6 weeks later, I can say I have been drunk for all but maybe 3 days of that.
I can go into it more, try to explain and self-analyze, but what I really want to say is that last night, during drinking, it finally got the bad taste; and no matter how many I had, there were clear thoughts running through my head, clear thoughts about how many classes I've already missed, about how I am wasting this amazing opportunity living here, about how I am truly hurting myself as I wake up each day with painful palpitations brought on from the booze and chain-smoking (and gosh; you can smoke in bars here and I just light, light, light 'em up non-stop).
And the big thought, the one that has me here, is when I thought, "You don't like living this."
I hate to be a member of SR who has unfortunately come here, left, and returned even worse than before. That said, I do want to get sober, I've managed some good slots sober before, and I believe that I am ready to do it again. And yes, I'm excited even to get some time sober, as there's just so much great stuff here and all of it is new and thrilling to me; and while each day has been an adventure despite drinking, they can each be far more engaging and reaching if I keep strong and keep off the drink.
So hello, again, everyone! I'll be checking in a good bit while I get through the first couple of days, and then checking in again each time I feel the pull. I had modeled a notebook to help with sobriety back in the States, so I'm going to just make up another one here. It really helped, having a journal that had all my known-to-work techniques for dealing with cravings/excuses, and having a journal dedicated solely to sober discussion was good for me too.
Hope everyone is well; keep strong! I hope to be a solid partner here on SR again soon
