I just wanted to say thanks for the nice words yesterday all
I sure don't feel so self aware, I feel like an incompetent, disorganized 17 year old who can't get her act together. I'm just a hot mess.
I feel a lack of spirituality in my life. But I was trying to post about this yesterday when the thread reached its 500 limit post. I struggle a lot with disconnection, or dissociation. Sometimes I feel very in tune with people, events, things, or experiences. Sometimes is being kind of generous though.
I know this thing that I live with (I treat it like I treat my addiction, my addiction was a bottle of vodka in my head, now I view BPD is a big black shadow that lives in my head and always has) does not define me and is manageable if not surmountable. I lose hope many times a day (who doesn't?) but then I consciously work on changing negative thoughts. Turning them around, putting a smile on my face. The fake it til you make it.
Then I read on my sober tool app yesterday and it made a lot of sense to me.
"First I came, then I came to, then I came to believe."
First I got sober and showed up for life, then I did the work to get better, eventually I will learn faith in myself and something bigger than me. Sobriety is one thing, oh but to be recovered and healing sounds like the garden of Eden to me.
I'm a work in progress. And procrastination. Gah.
