sleepie

Well people, here I am working on month 9 of sobriety.

I was doing some reading recently on the affects of childhood abuse and how they put a person at risk for alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, self harm, and can even impair physical health- in the form of heart disease, or even diabetes.

Well, I am one who unfortunately became an alcoholic and also addicted to anxiety drugs because of many, many years of abuse in my life growing up and even beyond until I had to make the difficult decision to stop all contact with my biological parents. It was heartbreaking, as I had never had parents- only abusers- and yet felt I was mourning not only the loss of what could never be, but also having a huge, scary 20 year chasm between myself and others with unvoiced experiences that had crippled me at my very foundation. It was, as anyone who has been through it knows- alienating, unnerving and depressing.

As if that wasn't enough, I had endured many, many years of bullying at the hands of my peers, classmates and even my teachers. There was literally no safe place for me. Much of it was based on my ethnicity, as I was raised in a notoriously racist town. I basically shut down by the time I was 9.

Well, to my credit, I didn't really become an alcoholic until I was almost 30 years old. And of course anxiety drugs appealed as I had a lifelong anxiety disorder- my 1st "therapist" threw a prescription at me and had a habit of taking things personally, and was frankly more interested in herself. My 2nd one lost her practice and even became involved with clients in inappropriate ways. Yeah... I wasn't going to keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results.

So as usual I had to rely on myself, and take to reading books and teaching myself. I have read books on surviving abuse and on other relevant topics as well as 12 Steps on Buddha's Path. I would recommend "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and "12 Steps on Buddha's Path" for fellow survivors.

Troubling as it is though, bullies don't really grow up or out of their behavior. I learned this as a small child who was teased and bullied by their own parents as well as teachers. There were no safe adults. I knew also as a small child that it would often be those in a position of authority, such as my then teachers- who would do such things. And so it was as an adult, where I saw people- maybe a boss or department chair- use bullying tactics to silence people and keep them "in their place". As a female I saw much of this and it was no secret these tactics were accepted with silence- because anything else would result in drastic measures.

As disheartening as it is, this is not uncommon. My former self would simply shrug off such behavior and simply have a visit to the liquor store after work, or take a xanax and power through another day.

But, I have a right to live well, and it shouldn't be at the expense of my mental or physical health. And it shouldn't be while having to play the life or work "games" that enable some to live well and others not.

As an individual in sobriety interested in living authentically, I am no longer wiling to allowed myself to be silenced, bullied or on the receiving end of passive aggressive tactics. As I ponder what next to do as far as gainful employment, these issues are relevant. In my personal life, I don't make room for bullies, narcissists or passive aggressive individuals. But sometimes, as social circles go- they can pop up.

I ain't getting any younger, and I have a Zero Tolerance policy towards such things. Boundaries are not a thing I was taught to have growing up and it's good that this is part of my sobriety and growth. Speaking up for myself was a thing met with being beaten literally black and blue as well. I am not willing to be complicit in my own abuse by painting any of it in a rosy light or pretend it's something no longer relevant.

It's progress.