Thank you Freshstart and everyone who has written on my thread and given thanks of support. I'm a slow learner......reflecting over some journals, I've been tapering periodically for years. Also, researching addiction neuroscience for years; therefore I fully accept that AVRT will work, if applied correctly.
So eventually I've reached the conclusions:
1. Tapering doesn't work for me.
2. Recovery groups don't work for me.
3. AVRT will work for me, as I accept its underlying rationale.
So what exactly have I been waiting for? A bolt out of the sky, a booming voice, providing me with the wisdom to select the right time to out my plan into action? The only time I will ever have is NOW.
All day yesterday I contemplated the action I was about to take. The finality of it, no drink, ever. My AV was petrified, a quivering mess. Throwing up excuses, celebrations - champagne, sailing - wine, hill walking - craft beers in front of log fires on and on and on, blah, blah and more blahs.
I simply replied, I have not had a couple of 'pleasurable drinks' as you suggest for well over a decade. Because I'm addicted to alcohol, I no longer sail, hill walk, make excuses to avoid celebrations, knowing that I'll make a show of myself. I turn down all engagements and I'm effectively a recluse. The AV still persisted, arguing that I could moderate, I told it to get real. I explained the neuro-science, when you habitually drink excessively, the brain is altered and although abstaining will create new brain paths due to neuroplasicity, the remnants of the old paths remain. Riding a bike or horse, for instance. Decades after the last ride, you'll be a little wobbly at first, but soon resume at your previous competency.
I mentally replayed some of my most despicable moments under the influence; coming out of black-outs, not believing what I'd done. IT eventually scuttled off.
But no more arguing and reasoning with IT. I entertained its protestations yesterday, more to bolster my confidence that I'm making the right decision., that I cannot ever drink again.
Yesterday was the last drink day. I'm not expecting easy withdrawals, but I'm prepared and also have the CIWA-r sheet to check symptoms.
So, I've made my BP. I'm hugely apprehensive, but also a little excited and believe me, excitement isn't an emotion I've felt for a very long time.
Once again, to everyone who has supported me on this thread, thank you for giving me the confidence to make this decision and then enact it
.