Having a hard time... not sure why
I have not had a weekend like this one where I have been teary, frustrated, and struggling to shrug off or detach from xAH's antics in a LONG time.
He promised the kids a trip to a local amusement park and they and I know better than to count on the promises. Nothing new there.
He showed up, not sober early in the morning yesterday, failed the breathalyzer he is required to take and was made to leave without seeing the kids.
DD8 and DD11 were both sad, teary, angry, confused, and verbalized a lot of confusion that I had and have no answers to:
"if Daddy wanted to see us, why did he drink?"
"it feels like Daddy just did not want to see us so he failed the test cuz he didn't want to take us today"
That sort of stuff-- those are two I wrote down.
He's done this MANY times before, and I don't usually (at least not for a long time) get ruffled by it.
But I have been on the verge of tears, bawling, sobbing tears, since yesterday morning.
No matter how much I try and protect my kids, his b.s. impacts them and they both are feeling the impact of his nonsense.
Maybe now that they are able to verbalize what this crap does to them, and I hear them saying the same words I spoke when I was the one being let down as his wife, that's what is making it sadder-- somehow hearing their little voices say outloud that they are hurt by being blown off by him is the most heartbreaking thing ever.
DD8 still has this magical thinking going on about how Daddy will be the Daddy she hopes he will be to her and so yesterday was shot after this debacle.
I took them to the amusement part myself bc they still wanted to go but the girls fought with each other, cried, and we left early because they were down and unhappy and we ended up just having a cuddle in moms bed and watch a movie kind of night together.
Im not even angry at xAH right now-- odd right?
Im just so, so, so sad...
This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks he has done this to them and his attitude is that it's just a blip and has no long term impact on them. I on the other hand see the day to day impact it has and it is traumatic for them to have hopes and make plans with him and have him dash those constantly.
Im crying as I am typing this-- not sure why I am so sad- it's not like me to have this reaction to his antics...
Just needed to get this out in hopes it would help me....