It's time for a followup to this ongoing saga. This past week, my ex-wife and I met with a mediator in court. As expected, it took longer than the allotted 2 hours and, also as expected, we are at an impasse. So the next move is to meet with my attorney again to determine the next step in the process.
Before it is suggested I need to better understand why my ex feels toward me as she does, please know that that is in my thoughts almost as frequently as what I perceive to be the feelings of my children. I do not know for certain how they feel because one says she doesn't really think about it, and the other still won't speak to me at all. All I've gotten from their mother or their counselor is that "she's angry." I've seen her once in a year and a half. There has been no other communication with her aside from that.
Part of my battle is opening the lines of communication with both children. I have been barred (by my ex only, not any legal decree) from all communication with my youngest, and only bi-weekly supervised meetings with my oldest. No communication outside of those meetings. Most importantly, I should add that my sponsor is 100% behind my efforts to build a relationship with my children, and was the first to encourage me to fight against my ex for my rights to do so. I don't want it suggested that I am not considering the feelings of my ex or my children, nor do I want it suggested that I'm looking for ways to "fix" whatever is bothering them. As their father, I just want to know what's going on with them, good, bad, or indifferent.
The only good that came of the mediation was that I got a small morsel of information about my youngest daughter. If only to hear that she's still angry, it was a sign of life. For the first time in almost 7 months, someone threw me a bone. When I offered to make amends with my ex back in April, she said she had already forgiven me and that bringing up the past would only do more harm than good. I respected her decision and thanked her for her consideration. However, during mediation it became patently obvious she hasn't forgiven anything and is still hanging onto resentments from decades ago. Granted, that is her problem to deal with, but she is passing it along by implication to the kids. I know her and I know her ways. As my youngest daughter frequently said, and as I have shared before, "Mama says things without actually saying them." That makes this a case of parental alienation.
So, that's where things stand as of now. I guess I should maybe put all this stuff in a blog or journal or whatever, but thought I'd just post it here for now.