hopepraylove

I've been in a relationship with my current partner for about six months. If you're not familiar with my story, prior to my current relationship, I was in a volatile long-term relationship with my heroin addicted ex-boyfriend. It took me years to finally leave, but I mustered up the courage and strength and have since been exponentially happier, healthier, peaceful.

I've been thinking lately, after all of the chaos, ups + downs, drama, passion, etc. of my prior relationship, my current one feels very "even keeled." I care deeply for my new partner. He is the most respectful, kind, understanding, intelligent man I've ever been with. It's a privilege to be with him. Sometimes, however, I get into the mind frame of: "will I ever love J (current BF) as much as I loved my ex?"

I'll preface this by saying, I know that the love I shared with my ex was turmoil and unhealthy. It was a mutual obsession with one another. It was toxic and inconsistent. I lost myself and was so entirely wrapped up in loving/wanting to save/be with him that we just continued to hurt one another irreparably. It was good when it was good (infrequent) and horrible/heart wrenching when it was bad (very frequent.) I loved him tremendously. In hindsight, I loved him more than I loved myself.

Leaving him broke my heart, it was really hard to even consider dating at first, but J is such a wonderful addition to my life. I feel very lucky.

But it doesn't "feel the same" as the love I had for my ex. Does this make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate? Am I just inevitably never going to feel that way again? Have I been hurt so tremendously that "my walls" are preventing me from fully loving J?

Thoughts? Comments? Thank you for letting me share.