Thank you all for your wise words.
I am certainly not grieving for what was killing me. I am grieving for what, to me anyway, was a crutch that I ran to for any reason.
I wish I could say I had something else in my life that I could feel that way about.
Guess I just need to keep searching.
I am grateful for all of your responses and for my sobriety. I miss my Mom who passed from an awful disease, but would never wish for her to still be here, suffering. It's kinda like that...the grieving.