Jimmy I stopped and started drinking again every week or multiple times in a week for 15 years.
I'm really not just blowing smoke here.
You can stay sober and life will get better - you might need more support, you might need to make more changes in your life.
You certainly need some counselling or medical help to help you deal with the suicidal ideations...but I really believe you can be sober just like the rest of us.
You've already proven that you can be sober - what you need to do now is work out what it will take for you to make that a long term change.
D