Thanks for all of your perspectives. I think I definitely need to clarify how XAH should do things in the future regardless of the outcome. (Sigh)
Both sons have a history of fear surrounding confrontations with him. We all three suffered PTSD coming out of things, and DS14 has struggled to feel control over his life. That's part of why I renegotiated to give them some control over their relationship with XAH, so they'd feel empowered. However, I'm surprised at how anxious I still get at the thought of engaging with him...I guess if I feel that, it's probably even stronger for them.
Part of DS14's issue is his father choosing his stepson first--and expecting him to "hang out with" the kid who severely bullied him when we still lived out west. Once XAH hooked up with the kids' mother, he stopped supporting DS14 in this regard. And he's buddy-buddy with the bully. DS14 begged him to come talk one on one a few years ago, and XAH never did.
DS16's coping mechanism is to shut down related to anything with his dad--and when I push conversations he eventually says--"mom, if I ever WANT to see him, I'll tell you something has changed. Until then, it hasn't." But he's sort of afraid to discuss things too. I talked to him today and I swear he still just blanks out in regards to his dad's discussions. Maybe lingering PTSD. I think he hopes his brother will do the hard work. He said he'll do whatever DS14 does.
XAH's family lives in my hometown- part of why I moved back here with the boys was because our friends and his family were all here. The holiday assumption was that X would come see his family on either Xmas or TDay each year, and he could see the boys then with extended family in a safe environment. Didn't realize X would have no interest in sharing holidays with his parents, lol.
I'm going to regroup both boys together tonight.