Originally Posted by
theuncertainty 
I think the most useful thing for me was to recognize that it doesn't have to be intentional. .
YES. I had a long discussion with a friend after the whole Johnny Depp/Amber Heard story broke a couple of months ago, and my message was:
1. Yes, sometimes people make false accusations of abuse.
2. Yes, sometimes people manipulate and egg people on in toxic relationships.
3. Yes, someone can be abusive and gaslight you and ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE THEY ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.
4. Yes, someone can be abusive and gaslight you and have friends who believe they are doing nothing wrong, and those friends might just write editorials about how innocent the abuser is because the friends ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE the abuser is innocent.
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my STBXAH has painted me as a horrible, ungrateful person to his friends and the few family members he talks to. I am quite sure that many of his friends look at me the same way so many people looked at Amber Heard when she first made her allegations. Nobody knows what went down in that marriage except the two people in it, but I certainly know that in my marriage, I was abused and gaslighted all. the. time. Prior to finding SR and Al Anon, I had no idea I was being gaslighted. My STBXAH knows my insecurities and my issues very, very well. His gaslighting and abuse were specifically designed to pick away at the aspects of my personality that he knew were vulnerable. Even now, one year after I finally left him, he STILL knows how to do it. He can still make me feel like I'm crazy on occasion. I'm sure it wasn't hard for him to convince others (most of whom I have never met) that I am crazy.
*sigh* It has been a rough week. Thank you for this reminder, and the validation that I always, always get here.