its a difficult thing. just recently I thought about if i had contact with my abuser and how they'd more then likely deny and be very quick to explain why i was a crap kid and deserved what came my way etc.. further shaming me and so on. it would be on there part a denial of the situation and there way to defend themselves so they dont have to expierence the shame and guilt. Sure on one hand i got big shoulders i'll shoulder it and move on my happy way. but keep in mind if i where in contact with my abuser there is a good possibility i'd cower like a child all over again YEP! sad isnt it?!. All I want from them is an apology and i'll smile and say thank you and walk away. But I'll never get that so it is what it is. And since I'll never get that I can chooose to feel the shame or not I suppose.
So I guess if you have no choice no control over the matter you can go oh stupid me its my fault for feeling this shame that i was inflicted. It took a while for me to get to that point however it was not an easy thing.
But the thing is with the abusers and such. I'm not my abusers judge. and thankfully so for startes i'd be very unjust and possibly too harsh? is that even possible? yeah maybe?!
It doesnt make my abuser right and me wrong it doesnt excuse them of there infraction. But I guess I've tried to remove myself from the equation so that I dont have to feel all that bad stuff anymore. Cause i'm so sick of feeling all that.
One thing i've learned since I got sober and it dont always remember this but when i interact with someone else and i feel crappy as a result anger shame whatever it is and its the other persons actiosn that caused me to feel this way. I've come to a point where I realize ya know its my fault for expecting something different out of them.
For example i met with my grandparents a couple years ago. I was so eager to see them and such it had been a while I had hoped they had changed mellowed some and so on. I left miserable we had quite the blow out i felt awful etc... it took a few days to sink it but i realized the problem. I went in there expecting tehy had changed and i got a foul taste in my mouth when i left and realized they had not changed. I was the fool. Had I gone in there realizing they are the way that they are or not bothered to see them at all I would have saved myself a lot of headache!. so from that view I have some blame there. It doesnt excuse them of there nonsense but It helps me learn next tiem be mroe prepared i'm hoping there wont be a next time however.