Feeling so Worthless
I don't know why I did it i almost hit 6 month for the 1st time in my life . I guess my sons mother is right I will never be nothing more than and addict. I'm on vacation with my parents, my son and my soon to be ex girlfriend and for some reason I started using right before I came to the beach with them. I had taken a week off of work to withdraw from suboxone because I was tired of something controlling my life and I just wanted to prove myself, to my sons mother that I am stronger individual then she gives me credit for but it guess she was right. I feel like everything I've worked for was just taken from me over a drug i have so much hate for. She doesn't understand that the things she says to me really have a long lasting impression on me and I hate myself for letting things she says get to me not being able to "get over it " as she would put it . She's one of the only few people I've ever told that I was molested as child which was a mistake because she calls me names says I like things I hate even talking about or that's I want things from other people (which I have no interest in ever doing again ). I honestly feel so alone right now but I have a huge family and a girl (I guess my ex ) I thought I could talk to about anything . I don't know where my life is headed but all I know is that I need to be here for my son . A day before we came to the beach She found and threw away some 5s which I was honestly only was going to take so I wasn't In withdraw while I was on vacation with my parents and son. So I could enjoy my time with them instead of hurting and being miserable, which I know was stupid anyways but it was a plan I had to enjoy my time with my parents . I really don't know what I'm going to do . I was planing on moving in with my friend when we got back home which my parents are unaware of because I'm tried of our toxic relationship, I'm tired of being disrespected by her , I'm tired of how little she thinks of me . She's an awesome mom and I have put her through hell and back but I felt like she never gave me any credit or even saw me differently in the 5 months I was clean. I just want someone that will just love me for me and not judge me based off my past in the present . I told her I was going to move out and not once has she asked me to stay it's like she wants me out of her everyday life . I can't blame her I guess but I thought the last 5 months would've changed her prespective about me I even went to treatment but deep down inside everytime she looked at me I felt like she was judging me like she was just waiting for me to fail. I'm just confused now and don't even know what I want for myself now but all I know is my Son is my #1 priority and I got to figure something out. Some one please help.