EndGameNYC

Thanks, GMO.

My history, like so many others who've relapsed following long-term sobriety, is that I stopped drinking for about twenty five years. AA was pretty much the only game in town, and I knew I couldn't do it on my own. Never tried to moderate and, honestly, shook my head when I first realized that people even attempt to do so. I lived a very good life during the time I was sober, though I stopped using AA for support after about thirteen years. I didn't have cravings from the moment I put down the drink, though I was not at all mentally sound when I first got sober. That took some time.

Career, PhD, money, romance, excitement, a second-degree black belt in a traditional style of karate (now working on my second BB in a different style), competition-level running, excellent health and so much more led me to believe that I'd be okay, no matter what. Up to that point in my life, the only thing I'd accomplished was to provoke a woman who loved me dearly, my ex-wife, to pick up and leave. That's it.

I didn't pick up a drink because of anything particular going on in my life. It was about what was (or wasn't) going on inside me. I was pretty much nonchalant about it, never made a conscious plan to drink, and not at all nervous or fearful when I did. I actually started smoking weed before I drank again, so I concluded that it wasn't such a big deal to drink at the time.

I was outwardly okay with it for a few months, able to take it or leave it without much effort, and then all the walls started falling down. It started to be every day for a time. Then it was every day, earlier each day for a while. And then, three years later, it was all day, every day, even at work. I destroyed everything in my life that meant anything to me. Again.

My sponsor died of cancer four weeks ago, same age as me, and I've been getting on in years. I'm more focused on pushing people to make meaningful changes sooner rather than later. I'm not for everyone, more like a itch that won't go away than the sophistication that an acquired taste implies. Even if my comments help a single person, that's a lot. And if it doesn't, maybe someone will remember something that I've said in a moment of despair down the line. And there are always moments of despair. It doesn't really matter.

Our lives begin much sooner than we realize, and we're always playing catch-up. Until we're not. We are not going to live forever. There will never be a better time or a time later on to live a good life. The life we're living is happening right now, and in every moment. If we're not now, right at this moment, doing things to live a better life, then we're wasting our time. We can get a lot of things back that we lost when we were drinking, but time (and often trust) is not one of them.

There are no rewards or punishments in life. Only consequences. Avoiding responsibility is just a nice way of saying that we choose to live and die a slow death. Sobriety is not about our plans to get sober. It's not about what we say, and it has absolutely nothing to do with what we believe about who and what we are when we're drinking. Sobriety has everything to do with what we do. Nothing more. We can all achieve sobriety and live a better life. Everything else is just an excuse.

I've drawn inspiration from this since the first time I watched it, eleven years ago. Hard truths, followed by a sad irony in his own life.