Hi Smilax, so much of what you have said resonates with me, I too felt depressed and "lost" most of my life, that constant feeling of hopelessness and lack of self worth, even anti depressants could not relieve that underlying feeling of sadness. I too felt it was my default button and alcohol just blotted it out but only for a short time but eventually it stopped working. Alcoholism is a progressive illness it does not get better. The tighter its grip the more you will plunge into deep loneliness and despair and isolation.
Today it is not like that for me. The solution for me was AA and working the 12 steps, there I found hope, frienship, incredible support and a new found freedom. You might wish to give this a try, if it is not for you, there are many many alternatives.
I wish you well, please keep posting on here and stay with us in the light. Elle
