Yeah, sometimes we find ourselves not feeling like ourselves...and wonder who we really are.
I don't know enough about your life history to truly answer you, but maybe you are having an identity crisis...and I think if we were all honest we would admit we've all had our share of those moments.
Life happens...and as it unfolds...it tells us a lot about who we are....not knowing who we really are in some cases goes back to our childhood when our concept of who we are is formed. In some cases, we emerge from childhood and adolescence with a pretty good concept of ourselves, but....somewhere along the way....we've LOST OUR WAY...
I don't know what the case is for you....but drugs and alcohol do not help us FIND our way...they are deceiving in this regard....they may provide a temporary feel good and that deceives us into thinking they are helping us somehow...but all they really do in the long run is get us further off track and farther away from who we really are.....they give us an artificial concept of who we are....take those drugs away and is it any wonder there is bewilderment?
Take care friend. You can do this.